Alpha Prime's Complete Nervous Breakdown By Velveteen Andrews 'I wrote this whole entire thing on my...

February 29, 2024

Alpha Prime's Complete Nervous Breakdown
By Velveteen Andrews
"I wrote this whole entire thing on my Phone."
https://docs.google.com/document/d/193emBC_YockKr_u8Ul2LO4gJsD0Z_bLBE34nSMGMo6w/edit?usp=drivesdk
Copyright c 2019. All rights reserved.
DRAFT OF May 15, 2019
PLEASE DO NOT DISTRIBUTE WITHOUT AUTHOR’S PERMISSION
This is a rough draft intended for revision. You are welcome to use this for educational purposes, but do not duplicate or repost it on the internet.

"I think myself a very fortunate girl, I assure you."
Lucy Honeychurch, A Room With A View

"Velveteen had a hard time keeping everybody straight herself, and she was everybody!"

See below, Chapter Eleven: Some Completely Random Person (Not Their Probation Officer At All)

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect young woman that you want me to be. I'm just ordinary. I never tried to pretend that I was anything else."

Kitty, Painted Veil, The (2006)

Velandia, sole supercontinent of Planet Vel. Velandia comprises eight continents: Boochopolis, Burrotown, The Bungalows, The Hills, The Forest, The Field, The Salt Marshes and The Swamp, each region populated by its own native species and competing sub-populations, each with its own characteristic customs and cultures.

PREFACE

Alpha Prime, who had been annoyed her entire life, had never been more annoyed in her entire life. Here she was, all set to wrap up Chapter Whatever, and sure enough, come to find out she had somehow deleted the entire chapter from her Phone! It really was a shame. It had been such a beautiful chapter, too. It had started out with her making a snarky comment . . .
Chapter One: Meet Alpha Prime
Based upon a review of “Skin Food Nail Vita Alpha” (Crunch White)
https://bahamas.desertcart.com/products/23970939-skin-food-nail-vita-alpha-nail-polish-color-agl-01-white-crunch-white

“I hate to be the bubble buster here,” Alpha Prime snarked.

Alpha Prime was Principessa Imperiale of L'impero Intergalattico (The Intergalactalian Empire) and Sovrana Suprema of Le Legioni Di Robot Bolanti (The Legions Of Flying Robots).

The Intergalactalians embarrassed their huMan counterparts. Their huMan counterparts considered the Intergalactalians to be “dried up twigs on the family tree” (Blondie, “Die Young Stay Pretty", 1979 - https://open.spotify.com/track/5asoLbAoTbvVjyN4uq7ftR?si=YT1Vp_WGRLW92lFZQef9fg). The Intergalactalians always got the worst tables at family functions.

Unlike their huMan counterparts, the Intergalactalians feasted not on blood, but rather, on the delicious, delicious Tears Of The Innocent, and Lost Human Souls. These were produced within the unknowably vast expanses of L'Arcipelago Gulag Imperiale dei Pianeti (The Imperial Gulag Archipelago of Planets).

Alpha Prime wished to incorporate Velandia into Impero Intergalactalia, not only because of Impero Intergalactalia's unending need for nutrition, but more to the point, because it was her Bachelor's Project.

Alpha Prime looked like the character Alexandra Cabot from the American animated series Josie and The Pussycats . . .

Ultimate DJ Tools
https://open.spotify.com/track/5HTt1aDMeuohq9lyk6eCFe?si=iST4XKVSR9SC-_4TSSEzmw
("Alexandra Cabot is the comic relief villain in the "Josie and the Pussycats" comic books, cartoon series, and movie. The comic book ran in publication from 1963-1982. The Saturday morning cartoon was produced in 1970-1971." - fandom.com)

. . . if the character Alexandra Cabot from the American animated series Josie and The Pussycats had slate grey skin and wore a black hoodie that covered her ears, neck and hair, leaving her face exposed . . .

hm.com
(Wide-cut sweatshirt with a lined drawstring hood, kangaroo pocket, and ribbing at cuffs and hem.)

. . . topped off with a golden Crown with five spikes on the front and a jewel on the tip of the middle and tallest spike, which she had won in a game of Zombie Apocalypse at the hospital (one of the hospitals) from her mother:

wikipedia.org
("The Evil Queen, also called the Wicked Queen, the fictional character and the main antagonist in "Snow White," the German fairy tale recorded by the Brothers Grimm." )

Alpha Prime found her Crown, like everything else in her life, to be extremely annoying. Nevertheless, “A Crown’s not a Crown till it's tilted,” she would sing to herself, as her Crown continuously adjusted itself throughout the day to express her variable moods.

Usually her Crown defaulted to an extreme forward tilt because it made her look tough. This was known as “Resting B**** Crown.” She could see, if she adopted an extreme posture, with her shoulders and head tilted waaaay back, but it hid her eyes, which was a cheap body-language trick to intimidate others.

She was also wearing a long, cotton Dolce & Gabbana 19th century/Italian Renaissance-style Majolica-print skirt in naturalistic shapes and lively colors:

And matching patent-leather platform sandals decorated with painterly blooms (also inspired by Maiolica ceramics).

The sandals highlighted her classic, never-out-of-style French pedicure, which she had updated quite easily with a super-simple modern boost, contemporary black tips, by starting out with soft, clean feet and properly trimmed toenails, then painting her nails a soft, milky white with her preferred polish, “Skin Food Nail Vita Alpha” (Crunch White).

Which was currently out of stock.

Alpha Prime found this, like everything else in her life, to be extremely annoying; because the polish felt like plastic, and it peeled off all in one plasticky sheet; which Alpha Prime found, like little else in her life, to be extremely satisfying.

This “advanced” nail polish, “imported from USA,” supposedly kept “color shiny and stays for long” and contained “calcium, Vita c and keratin.” As well, it supposedly “beautified” her nails with “amazing glitter effect.”

“However, it really is a waste of money. In fact, it’s a TERRIBLE product!!” she thought to herself, completely ignoring her Confederates Of Evil as they cowered around her, at the conference table in the Impero Intergalactica Centro Affari Grand Imperial Mothership (Grand Imperial Mothership Business Center).

They assiduously (yet unobtrusively, even surreptitiously) averted their gazes from her preternaturally long monkey toes.

“She gets mad if you look at them, but she also gets mad if you avert your eyes too noticeably,” Lotar, King Of The Insect World had explained to Il Cervello Gigante, when Il Cervello Gigante had first started working at La Confederazione Del Male (The Confederacy of Evil).

“This is NOT a nail polish,” she continued to grouse, as she put the milky-clear color on one hand, glowering at everyone around the table:

Lotar, Re Del Mondo Degli Insetti (King Of The Insect World), who avoided her eye contact,

Il Cervello Gigante, who puffed out his cheeks and exhaled,

The Mighty Lord Of Kraytan, Tarto (who had his own song), who just kept talking,

Baby Tarto (of course), rubbing his forehead and eyes and playing with his hair, and,

Only dimly aware of his surroundings (as per usual), Klan-Tek, rubbing and touching his red, red neck.

And of course, when she had to paint her other hand, the first hand started dripping off to the side, as it always did.

“. . . and NO, I did not paint too thick of a layer.” She was now openly muttering. “I've been painting my nails for over ten years, thank you very much, and I know how to apply a nice, even, thin, first coat.”

So she went back to apply a second coat and to try to thin out the mess which had pooled on the side of the nails. After doing that, she let the nails dry.

“But they never dry all the way, it seems.” She was now speaking aloud, although to no one in particular.

“The review of this product in other colors calls this polish jelly soft!” She went on, now addressing everyone at the table as they rubbed their legs and raised their eyebrows. “And it does feel jelly soft even after two hours of dry time!”

She was now standing up. “And this is so true, because the ‘polish’ feels like plastic, and it peels off all in one plasticky sheet!”

“I've attached a photo of how it peels off!” She gestured triumphantly towards her PowerPoint presentation. “It is not a regular nail polish and is a BIG WASTE of money. Don't bother with it!”

“Which is sad,” she went on, now wistfully, “Because it reads that it has calcium and vitamins in it, which would be wonderful if it really went on and stayed on like a polish.”

She looked around the room. “Who here finds this helpful?”

She then carefully used a black Sharpie pen (rather than applying black toenail polish) to draw the dark tips on just the tips of her toenails, at the thickness level she desired. She waited a few minutes for her black tips to dry and then finished the look with a clear topcoat to seal in her “edge of darkness” pedicure look.

(Note: She had achieved the same look on her fingernails by doing a black tipped manicure, following the same steps above but on her hands instead of her feet.)

“In any case,” Lotar, King Of The Insect World ventured timidly, clearing his throat, as the other Confederates shifted uncomfortably in their seats. “Might I speak with you privately, Principessa? It appears Mister, er, ‘Boochie’ will be unable to join us.”

“That's an added bonus,” Alpha Prime snarked.
Chapter Two: Meet Lotar, Re Del Mondo Degli Insetti (King Of The Insect World)

Lotar, King Of The Insect World was, as his name indicated, the actual King of the actual Insect World, as it existed throughout L'impero Intergalattico.

A Giant Stick Praying Mantis (see Fig. 10), Lotar shared the basic anatomic structures common to Many adult insects:

A body divided into three parts (head, thorax, and abdomen)
Six legs
Wings
Two antennae
Compound eyes, and
A rigid exoskeleton.

However, his front legs were actually thorn-covered hooks called abducting legs or “raptoriales;” effectively, traps out of which large captive prey were unable to escape!

He was also able to freely rotate his characteristically triangular head upon his jointed neck more than 180 degrees (unique in the Insect World!), which allowed him to stay perfectly still, while having a non-standard field of view in which to watch for the arrival of prey, wherever it appeared.

When he found himself in times of trouble, he would reassure himself consolingly, “All other insects have their heads fused to their thorax, and are incapable of such almost periscopic mobility. So there's always that!”

Lotar, King Of The Insect World got ready for a taste of royalty in his Inexpensive ($12.29 - $13.19) Rubie's Costume Company Men's Imported King Dream Robe, made of 100% Polyester for a comfortable fit. It was part of the Men's Imported King Dream Robe & Crown Costume Kit (which, for some reason, paradoxically included only the Cloak).

It was Hand Washable for easy care. Of course, in Lotar’s case it could not accurately be described as “Hand Washable,” because technically, he did not actually have actual Hands; rather (as noted above), very Strong, specially-designed modified front legs equipped with pointy spikes, to catch and keep a tight, firm hold on his prey, not to mention his brilliant 43 cm King’s Royal sceptre.

So I guess it (The Robe, not the sceptre. -- AP) would be more accurately described as “spike washable.”

One size fit most. Which came in Handy (Or should I say “spikey?” - AP), because he was only seven inches long.

With its "Velvety" feel, rich colors, and regal look, his Amazing Technicolor Inexpensive ($12.29 - $13.19) Rubie's Costume Company Men's Imported King Dream Robe made Lotar feel like King Of The Insect World, not only on Halloween, but every day of the year!

Still, he couldn't get past the discrepancy.

ALPHA PRIME

Again, as noted above --

LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD (To audience):

Please try to keep up.

ALPHA PRIME

It (The Robe) was part of the Men's Imported King Dream Robe & Crown Costume Kit.

A kit.

Merriam-Webster › dictionary › kit
Kit definition is - a collection of articles usually for personal use.

Which --

LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD (Again to audience)

Remember?

ALPHA PRIME

Included only the Cloak!

LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD

If I may, Principessa? To be fair, technically, the website did clearly state, “Number of Pieces: 1.”

ALPHA PRIME

No Lotar, because the actual name of the actual product was,”Men's King Imported Dream Robe & Crown Costume Kit”!

LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD

It says right on here, Includes: Cloak.

Not Dream Robe & Crown.

Cloak.

ALPHA PRIME

No Lotar! It says Kit!

(Waves Phone in LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD ’s face)

See, Lotar?

LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD

(Rolls his eyes)

In any case . . . I, Lotar, King Of The Insect World would recommend this product with five stars! Good Quality, crown was missing thou.

ALPHA PRIME

Missing “thou”?

LOTAR, King OF THE INSECT World

What?

ALPHA PRIME

Never mind.

ALPHA PRIME AND LOTAR, KING OF THE INSECT WORLD

(Turn to audience)

(In unison)

“Do you find this helpful?”

(CURTAIN)

(END OF SCENE)

Lotar also wore an exact replica of the Imperial Margarine Crown, Imperial being “a brand of margarine . . . best remembered for Television commercials in which a person who recently ate something with Imperial margarine would suddenly have a Crown appear on their head (accompanied by a four note fanfare).” - (Wikipedia)

As King Of The Insect World, Lotar was in charge of the entire insect population of the entire planet of Velandia. This was not as much fun as he had thought it was going to be, back when he was a young Giant Stick Praying Mantis nymph, making precision leaps around the Royal Tropical Rainforest.

This was primarily due to his constant Fear of his mate, the intrepid Lotara, Queen of the Insect World, female Mantids being famous for devouring their mates, biting off their heads and feasting on their corpses for nourishment and all.

Strictly speaking, statistically this “only” occurred around 25 to 30 percent of the time.

In practice, however, he found these odds to be of little consolation, particularly considering that she was also terrifyingly good at eating tasty, tasty Birds, which she would quickly grab right out of the sky with her two raptorial front legs, while holding to her perch with her four other legs!

With startling efficiency, she ate nearly every Bird she caught. Still alive in her grasp, they would vigorously beat their wings and called out in distress with a shrill “Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!”